Answering the Spammers

Deciding to interact with some of the ridiculous spammers who constantly fill my inbox.  Let’s hope one bites…

This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. wrote:
Please pay attention to my excitement. But I think that today the right day to say about my intention personally to you.  I thought about it before but it was difficult to find the right words. But the interest to know you better - eating me up inside. And before you open up to me - I think it would be right to tell a little about me. If you are reading this letter - its mean that my courage has reached a level of impatience :) 

I want to find a man whom I’ll present the most intimate, the most precious thing a person has - my heart and soul! I maybe someone finds me attractive and sexy woman, but I want to know your opinion of me! Not every man can be happy with me - I’m not a girl for all. And I not chasing the crowd of fans. . 
real woman - is when a man is happy and sure in you 

I’m a woman who wants to take only the best from life and enjoy it till the end of time! Being a very hardworking and goal-oriented woman , I already have my own business which I plan to expand abroad also 

I think a real lady should also help her man financially! In such case they can reach even more together! 

I was born in a very happy family where love and care existed, but it didn’t last for long as my parents divorced. I understood my mother when she couldn’t forgive the betrayal of father. I couldn’t forgive it too! If a person betrayed once it will happen again and again and if it happened it means that there is no true and sincere love. Have you ever faced situations you couldn’t forgive? 

So, after experiencing it once in my life, I don’t want to face it again. I need a very strong family , where true love and positive emotions only will exist. I can give everything I have to my man , to my soul mate , so that’s why I’m here. 
I have not had a serious experience with men on the Internet. But to give up because I could not find someone - it is silly. Maybe you do not like silly woman - I’m not perfect, but I want to be special for my man. And yes, yes - I’m persistent. 

I’d like to make our meeting come true really soon! I feel we could reach it together! 

In spite of my young age,I already know what I want from life, so if you are serious in your search and intentions here , I will wait for your reply ! 

I hope for mutual communication. 

This is a serious and brave step for me - to write to you first. 

I hope that you would welcome the proposal to start something new today.

I’ll wait for your answer.
Best regards

Valeria ID557

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Dear Valeria

I just paid attention to your excitement and I can honestly say that I was overwhelmed.

Never has paying attention to someone’s excitement enthralled me as much as yours most certainly did. Hearing the news that today is the right day that you will tell me about your intention personally to me has caught me off guard somewhat. Then hearing that you are being eaten up inside simply terrified me. Have you tried Alka Seltzer? Perhaps your courage, reaching the level of importance that it has, may stop you seeking medical advice; but please do go and see a doctor. He may well be able to help you with the most intimate and precious thing that you wanted to show me (I must confess, I initially thought you were referring to your little muffin - oh, how I smiled).

Asking my opinion of you, after just one email (albeit a very concise and well written one), is something I was surprised at. Obviously you are a very intelligent an articulate woman. Attractive and sexy, no doubt - as you said so yourself. Someone who (some) men aren’t happy with, not a girl for all and not chasing fans (you should underplay these references - they don’t sell you very well). I can’t offer much more of an opinion than that. I’m sorry Valeria.

However, I can offer you a solution to one of your problems. You say you want to be a real woman - and that this simply takes a happy man who is sure in you. Now, you obviously picked up from my email address (which is all I assume that you have in terms of information on me?) that I am a very happy man indeed. Part one taken care of! But, I am not sure in you. Some detractors would say I don’t even know you! So, am I the solution to your problem? Can I make you a real woman? Not really - but I know someone who can! My neighbour Geppetto had a son who yearned to be a real boy and, with a little help from his pet cricket and some fairy dust, he turned into a real boy! I will try to dig out his mobile phone number for you.

It’s all sounding very dismal isn’t it - like I’m not enchanted by your message. But, have no fear. Something you wrote caught my attention and I would like to discuss this further. Putting aside your globally expanding business and its need for financial input from your chosen man (please pick me, please pick me!), I notice that you dropped in the fact that you have the ability to live forever. 

Now if that isn’t worth investing in, I don’t know what is! You went on, after dropping in this bombshell, to talk about your family life (I’m so glad your mother understood your father; language barriers can be a nightmare!) and betrayal. To be fair, you did bleat on about that bit for a while. Blah blah blah. Cheating dad etc. Come on! You can live forever Valeria! Do you not see how important a thing that is? They say time heals. You are immortal! The medicine in your cabinet is never ending! Smile for fuck’s sake!

I’m so sorry about my language - most people who know me understand that I can be a bit brash sometimes. Back to your letter.

So, you are looking for a soul mate? A soul mate who you are prepared to give everything you have to (are we talking about your muffin yet? LOL. Smiley face). I can see that you have tried and failed to find men on the Internet (with your dextrous use of the English language, your normal demand in asking for money from strangers and your claims of immortality, that really does surprise me).

Well - you stumbled across the right guy! You want our meeting to come true really soon and feel we could reach it together (muffin time! ROFL. Smiley face). Yes, yes, yes. I DO like silly women. Silly, imperfect, persistent, young women who know what they want from life and are willing to do everything they possibly can (like write such a wonderful email and bulk send it out to horrible men who will just think it is junk) to get it! 

So, your wishes for mutual communication after your very courageous first approach have come true. I am writing to you to let you know that I am leaving my beautiful fiancée and coming to you to start something new today! I assume you are in Russia or Nigeria, so I will board the next flight to Moscow or Abuja (I’ll decide at the airport which city I will head for after getting a little drunk - I don’t like flying).

Could you forward me some cash for the flights please. I’m not very well off and I could do with some new shoes as well. I don’t want you to see me looking so shabby at the wedding! Maybe forward me your bank details and I’ll sort out the admin?

Anyway, I am rambling. I am so very much looking forward to meeting you, your muffin and your donkey and hope that you find me as equally gorgeous as I imagine you and your unhappily betrayed family are.

I love you so much.
Your prince, Benedict. x

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Benedict Francis

Benedict Francis

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