Breaking News: OED Updates “Fact” and “Fiction” Definitions

In a startling turn of events, it transpires that all Leave campaigners in the UK EU Referendum do in fact know better than most leading industry experts, the majority of all governments, the world’s greatest scientific minds and all proven statistics. Due to this startling discovery, The Oxford English English Dictionary has announced that is will be issuing an emergency edition of its tome in order to correct and reverse the definitions of the English words “Fact” and “Fiction”.

Spokesperson for Oxford University Press, Quentin Wordybottom, said: “These two words have been used throughout English literature for centuries without anyone questioning the validity of their given definitions. For years, the OED also followed suit, printing and reprinting, issuing and re-issuing, circulating and re-circulating the scurrilous lies and propaganda that Fact meant ‘a thing that is known or proved to be true’ and the definition of Fiction as ‘something that is invented or untrue’. It was obviously a complete surprise to all here at Oxford University Press and we will be undertaking a series of crisis sessions to look at the publication in its entirety. The word “Dictionary” itself will even come under the scrutiny of some of the world’s leading linguists (most of whom were also proven wrong by the Brexiters). We can only apologise to the international English-speaking community and thank those involved in the Leave campaign for knowing far better than the elite minds on this planet.”

Our top reporter, Olive Complexión, was unable to elicit a response from the office of Vote Leave. However, our junior runner, Aryan White, was able to secure a day long meeting with any senior figure she requested. Wayne Agrosmith, Deputy Hangman of the Vote Leave Campaign Committee (and self-proclaimed Earl of New Wessex), said: “We were fucking fed up of fucking being fucking portrayed as fucking narrow-minded, fucking unebducated [sic] fucking angry fucking xenophobes. Now, the fucking OED has made every fucking one fucking realise we are fucking right. Fuck the statistics, fuck the scientists and fuck everyone who had a clearer fucking understanding than the fucking Brexiters. We’re not fucking angry. We’re not fucking impeciles [sic] and we’re not fucking racist. Hang on a fucking moment. Aryan? Thats’ a fucking Kraut name isn’t it…?”. Mr Agrosmith refused to make any further comment and retired to his private decontamination suite.

Later in the day, our runner met up with Mr Agrosmith, but this time wearing a badge with “Hello, my name is…Elspeth Englishflower” written in marker pen. The now flirtatious and slightly calmer Mr Agrosmith continued: “It’s like we’ve been victimised by fucking foreigners. What the fuck does Bill fucking Gates know about the English political system? He invented the iPhone, what does he know? Apple? Fuck Apple! The British invented apples. Cox, Braeburn, French Golden Delicious - all fucking British. Fucking apple, my arse! And don’t get me started on that Branson fuck. He knows nothing about British industry. Virgin? Virgin Mary! And she was fucking Jewish.”

He continued, “The proof is out there. Look, it’s fucking pissing down. Good old fucking British weather. None of this European, EU, namby-pamby, sunny weather like we’ve had over the last few years. Fucking first day of fucking summer and it’s fucking pissing cats and dogs. Like back in the good old days when Britain was Britain. Women had no right to vote and we didn’t need to pay them as much as we do now. They could walk the streets without being raped by fucking immigrants and only had to deal with British fucking oppression. No fucking EU mandates to mess with our way of life or fucking weather! Seriously, if you can give me just one fucking reason why Brexit is a bad idea, I’d be tempted to change my mind - but you can’t!”

Having been handed a file full of testament, statistics and detailed historical data and predicted financial analyses by the most respected minds on the planet advising firmly and solidly against the UK leaving the EU, Mr Agrosmith closed his eyes and attempted to blindly throw it all into his log fire and retorted: “See, you’ve got fucking nothing!”

When questioned about the increasing feeling that fear-mongering about immigration and the replication of Nazi propaganda by one of his most prominent campaigners, Nigel Farage, leading to violence, terrorism and hate-crimes being committed in the name of Britain, Mr Agrosmith pointed at a large gold-framed picture of a vast queue of migrants crossing the Croatia-Slovenia border in 2015 - looking almost identical to a film produced by the Nazis in the second world war and aired by the BBC in a documentary in 2005, with the only prominent white person in the photograph obscured by a box of text, and whispered “terrorists are fucking foreign!”.

“It’s not our fucking fault if the small minority of our supporters are prepared to listen to our hate, vitriol, assumptions about fucking shit and go out and campaign slightly more fucking forcefully than the majority of us are fucking prepared to. It’s a democracy, it’s their fucking decision. You want to talk about victims of hate? Nigel Farage! Everybody fucking hates that fucker. Even those that support him, every fucking one! Everybody fucking hates Nigel Farage. You think that’s fucking fair? After all he’s done to settle the campaign and keep things totally anti-fucking-hate! Poor fucker! I can’t stand the fuck-jockey!”.

When pressed about how he was now going to present the Leave campaign’s “facts”, in light of the decision by Oxford University Press to revise the definition of the word, Mr Agrosmith concluded: “to be honest sugar-tits, everything we have presented to date has been fucking fiction. Get it - all of it, fucking fiction. Every last fucking word! Even the financial markets that drastically fall every time it looks as if we will leave the EU and then sharply rise if it looks like we are going to stay - they are all FACTUAL! You can’t get any more factual that actual fucking figures. The Remain bastards have been claiming to be factual, well now all the world can see what fuck-muppets they really are. Fucking telling the truth fuck-merchants. No time for that bullshit here. Vote Leave. Believe the fucking fiction! And, if it goes tits-up, well we can all vote again next year. It’s not like it’s permanent or anything.”

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Benedict Francis

Benedict Francis

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